


help i'm alive

by glassbones



Series: you can't see it with your eyes, hold it in your hands, this thing called love [3]
Category: Hannibal (TV)
Genre: Angst, Being Alive playing in the distance, But Not Those Ones, Domestic, Everything is Beautiful and Everything Hurts, Frederick Knows, M/M, Murder Husbands, Pre-Canon, The Other Ones - Freeform, hannibal knows he knows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 07:35:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1849771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glassbones/pseuds/glassbones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frederick tastes bile in the back of his throat as he tastes Hannibal's food; as he lies in their bed.<br/>  The worst thing is that some part of him still loves Hannibal Lecter, still trembles with lust and anticipation each time Hannibal kisses him. He hates himself for that, but god knows he can't help it.<br/>  Frederick is in love with the Chesapeake Ripper and he can't help it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	help i'm alive

**Author's Note:**

> i had this very sad idea that frederick met hannibal long before the timeline of the series and that they fell in love and that after some time frederick realised hannibal is the ripper (for god's sake, he PROFILED the man. and he's smart. oh frederick, my poor sweet baby), but he loves him too much to do anything so they try to fix their relationship

Suspicion surrounds him like a thick cloud; like fog that seeps into his pores and flows through his veins.

Frederick tastes bile in the back of his throat when he eats Hannibal's food; when he lies in their bed.

The worst thing is that some part of him still _loves_ Hannibal Lecter, still trembles with lust and anticipation each time Hannibal kisses him. He hates himself for that, but god knows he can't help it.

Frederick is in love with the Chesapeake Ripper and he _can't help it_.

So he closes his eyes every time Hannibal wraps those delicate fingers around his cock; he keeps quiet when the other man lays him open and makes love to him with the familiarity of a man who's come home.

He says nothing, pretends to see nothing; he stifles his sobs and hides his scars as best he can.

Doctor Frederick Chilton loathes himself.

* * *

Frederick feels this particular 4AM sort of clarity when he thinks he's not sure when was the last time he felt happy; whether he ever felt happy. Do, he thinks, people ever feel happy?

Everyone has been laughing far too loudly lately, it seems.

He hasn't the foggiest why do they laugh so much, so often. Like there'a a hilarious joke that he's not in on. Maybe  _he's_  the joke.

* * *

Hannibal knows he knows. He's too smart not to notice; too intelligent not to be able to tell what Frederick thinks about him.

Don't get him wrong, he _loves_ Frederick Chilton, loves him as much as he possibly could; loves him with a painful sincerity of a someone who's not used to feel love or being loved. 

Frederick is nothing like the others; nothing like the _pigs_ or the dull and predictable people Hannibal has to work with.

Hannibal is in love with Dr. Frederick Chilton and he doesn't _want_ to help it.

He tries to soften the blow; he doesn't feed the man most of the _long pig_ and tries to treat Frederick better than he usually would. Hannibal wouldn't do that for anybody else. He hopes that Frederick appreciates the effort.

So he leans closer every time Frederick hides his face in the crook of Hannibal's neck in the aftermath; he kisses his nose every time Frederick is humming something in their kitchen (he does that when he thinks Hannibal can't hear him and it's sweet in a disturbing way); he says he loves him every time Frederick comes home from work.

He notices everything; he says what needs to be said; he kisses the insides of the younger man's wrists and holds him as he cries.

* * *

"Honey," says Frederick. He's still a little sleepy and has a terrible case of bed hair. "What time is it?"

Hannibal grunts. There's a pillow seam imprinted on the side of his face. "Seven."

The younger man shifts, huddling closer. "I have to get up," he says, making no effort to disentangle himself from Hannibal.

"No you don't,"  Hannibal blindly reaches to his side, grabbing an armful of his lover.

Frederick momentarily tenses. "Honey," Hannibal can feel his heartbeat fastening.

There is a long pregnant pause. "Did you kill all those people?"

"Some of them," Hannibal smiles, kissing Frederick's temple. It tastes like sweat and fear. "I will never hurt you, Frederick."

The other man fumbles with the corner of their blanket. "I know," he whispers in the area of Hannibal's collarbone. "I love you," there is a strain to his voice.

"I love you too." They lay in silence for a while, and if they hold each other a little too tight, neither man says anything.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i kind of questioned hannibal's ability to love someone (in the usual sense, because the obsession hannibal felt towards will or projecting his feelings towards mischa on abigail is not really love (because he loved an ideal of them, manipulated both will an abigail into being the people he wanted them to be. he didn't love _them_, he loved what he thought them to be)), but then i remembered mads saying that hannibal is perfectly capable of feeling emotions, he just sometimes chooses not to  
> it's comforting in a sense to think that hannibal chose to love frederick, that trusting the man was entirely concious on his part  
> it's also very sad to think that
> 
> as usual, unbetaed, comments are appreciated. i'm also taking prompts, fyi


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